Growing up my parents did NOT let us sleep in their bed. Just didn't happen. My mom made it known that a person's bed isn't just where they sleep. Their bed is like their sanctuary, a place where they are safe and feel comfy. We got to choose sheets and blankets and pillows to our hearts content. Me, I had a full size bed and over half of it would be full of books. I then went to a twin-sized bed for most of middle and high school; senior year my dad bought me this antique, 80-year old bed frame. It was gorgeous.
When I moved to the dorms I was "downgraded" back to a twin. Slept on probably the worst bed & mattress of all times for a solid 2 years, but it was my space. I shared a room for those two years, the second year with someone who would become one of my best friends. We have about 200 square feet between the two of us but we both knew the beds were our sanctuaries. When you don't have much space you really appreciate something like your own bed.
The next few years I bounced around between an apartment and the dorms (for my internship). But always, ALWAYS, the bed was my space. A space I wasn't required to share with anyone. Ahhh.
Then I met my fiance. First time I had to share space with anyone. He had a California King sized bed- almost twice what I was used to!- so you would think it wouldn't make a huge difference sharing vs no sharing. But it does! I don't care how big the bed is, as soon as you share it with someone, it loses some of that mystique, some of that appeal of being "your space." Now it is "our space." Okay. I can deal with that. I may not get the bed sheets, comforters, and pillows the color I want all the time; but it is still a safe zone.
Fast forward to when we found out we were going to have our first kiddo. We both swore up and down that we would NOT have the kid in the bed. That was our space.
Welp that went to hell in a hand basket around her first birthday. She cut like 3 teeth at once, got a summer flu, was severely congested and miserable. We let her sleep in our bed "just for the night." She'll be three in about 6 weeks and has maybe slept in her own bed two--MAYBE three--times since that night. #mommyfail
Wanna know why I was so determined to have her never be in my bed? Not because I'm a cruel and heartless mom. Not because I think she should have to Cry It Out. Not even solely because of the issues that can happen when a baby shares a bed with its parents. Nope. My reason was more selfish than that: I am the lightest sleeper ever. If a sheet or blanket moves on my bed, I will wake up. And if I don't get enough sleep I can be a real charmer. Bee charmer. "Sting you for looking at me the wrong way" type of thing. You know. Pleasant, as my southern friends like to say.
So here I am, 28 weeks pregnant and having enough trouble getting comfortable at night to sleep for more than two hours at a time as it is. My toddler is not a still-sleeper. She tosses and turns, kicks and hits, punches and pulls all night long. I wake up in the middle of the night just to remove her from my back, so close it's like an abnormal growth!!
BUT, the point of this blog is to find the blessing in this. This thing that irritates the piss out of me, makes me grouchy and grumpy most days, and has put more bruises on me than 20 years of sports. Wanna know what it is? It's the trust my daughter has in me. See, even when she's dead asleep, couldn't-wake-her-if-you-shook-her asleep, she will go from whatever random position she has put herself in and find me. She knows I'm there. She snuggles up close. And sometimes, even in her deepest sleep, she will whisper "You're MY mommy. You're my best friend ever." She places her little toddler arm around my neck or across my chest, and she's content. She knows in the deepest part of her that I am one of the few people she will always be able to count on. Me and her dad. We're the consistent forces for her.
So that's it. That's my grateful. Even on days when I don't get enough sleep, when I've had the Day From Hell, my daughter shows me I'm doing it right. I won't be the nicest person to her all the time, but she will know that I do love her all the time.
And maybe this is good prep for when the next little man gets her. Can't get too comfortable at night, right? Have to be ready for multiple nightly feedings. Joy oh Joy.
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