Why Yes, I'd love to have/go to another party! -- Not so much

It's Memorial Day Weekend in about 10 hours. For a family whose calendars are jam packed with parties and events, I'm not sure why I volunteered to have a Memorial Day Party at our house. I'm 6.5 months pregnant. The weather is going to be cruddy- cloudy but no rain at least. I haven't even bought food yet. And there won't be much help around to get the house cleaned up before or after everyone leaves. So why did I do this to myself???

Truthfully? Because I'm supposed to. My future mother-in-law hosts a 4th of July party at her house every year. My mom hosts the Labor Day party at her house every year. We have a gorgeous place with enough space for our family and friends; it makes sense for us to take this holiday and make it the one we do every year. We hosted last year when we had only been in our new house about 2 weeks so I wanted to keep the new tradition going.

Now I have to do about 10,000 things today and pray I get them all done because there will be NO time tomorrow or before the party to do much. I have to plan the food, see who wants to bring what, buy everything else, and then start cleaning my house. Like the good clean. The "I'm about to have a boatload of company" type of cleaning.

Did I mention I have a 160lb Rottweiler and a toddler and a grown-toddler-man living with me? haha

So yeah, initially I didn't really want to host the party. I felt obligated to since I had done it last year and our moms host big parties for the other summer holidays and they deserve a break from this one. Just being honest.

Do I need to plan my daughter's 3rd birthday, which is being hosted at my house in 5 weeks? Yes.
Do I need to see what needs to be done for my son's upcoming baby shower, which is being hosted at my house in 7 weeks? Yes.
Do I need to get organized for when my son actually gets here in 11 weeks? Yes.
Do I need to get more planning on our wedding for next year done, fill out contracts, send deposits, cancel some things, etc? Yes.

But then it sinks in. All the reasons why this is truly what I'm supposed to do. My family is big on traditions. Both sides are. And sometimes it's not easy to have those overlap. But this holiday? By taking this holiday, my daughter will be able to remember her Mammaw & Pappaw had a big party in September for Labor Day and her Nonna & Poppa had a big party for the 4th of July and her Mommy & Daddy had a big party to kick off the summer.

I'll be able to start a tradition with my new family on a holiday that means a lot to me. See, this was the first holiday my fiance and I got to hang out. My sister had a few friends over about 4 years ago and the Fiance and I were able to talk. That weekend--that one day, that one party--set into motion events that would change my life forever. That was the weekend I attribute to the start of "us."

To everyone else, this is a holiday to remember the fallen. Those soldiers and service men and women who gave up their lives protecting our freedom. 5 Memorial Days ago, I would have said the same thing. But on that day, 4 years ago, I had another reason to cherish this holiday.

So maybe I have a lot of other parties this summer. Maybe I have a lot of those at my house on top of it. But this party? This one will be the start of the summer, a remembrance of what was, a start of "will be's," and a day to enjoy the people we love because we can. Because so many have given up the chance to see their loved ones ever again.

By writing this post, I had decided I was going to drop the "bag of burden" of planning another party and would just enjoy this time with my family. Days in a row with the man I love more than I truly ever imagined possible. Days seeing him play with our daughter in what will be our last summer as a family of three. And a party day with the people we love.

That's a pretty big dose of "shut up and be thankful." Because I do have a TON to be thankful for. And even decently pregnant (I'm only 6.5 months so I still have a ways to go!) with all the hormones that go with that, I have to remind myself that those things can't/shouldn't be overlooked. Ever. Some days are brutal, hard to get through without losing my mind. But I need to be thankful every day. Because I have been blessed. The plethora of blessings at my front door should be let in every morning and tucked in every night.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get off my ass and get to planning a fun Memorial Day party. I'll ask for help from those who love me and want to help me.

I don't think I've miraculously become this enlightened being. I'm not naive enough to think this stress of all the To Do's won't get to me again. Maybe even before the day is over. Ehh. Probably will. But my goal is to remember this post and remember the "why's" of this party. And enjoy a great weekend.

I hope everyone reading this gets to do the same thing.

Happy Memorial Day!

 

When did I lose my bed??

I swear!! I've started and stopped writing on this post at least 4 times this week. The days are long, but never long enough.

Growing up my parents did NOT let us sleep in their bed. Just didn't happen. My mom made it known that a person's bed isn't just where they sleep. Their bed is like their sanctuary, a place where they are safe and feel comfy. We got to choose sheets and blankets and pillows to our hearts content. Me, I had a full size bed and over half of it would be full of books. I then went to a twin-sized bed for most of middle and high school; senior year my dad bought me this antique, 80-year old bed frame. It was gorgeous.

When I moved to the dorms I was "downgraded" back to a twin. Slept on probably the worst bed & mattress of all times for a solid 2 years, but it was my space. I shared a room for those two years, the second year with someone who would become one of my best friends. We have about 200 square feet between the two of us but we both knew the beds were our sanctuaries. When you don't have much space you really appreciate something like your own bed.

The next few years I bounced around between an apartment and the dorms (for my internship). But always, ALWAYS, the bed was my space. A space I wasn't required to share with anyone. Ahhh.

Then I met my fiance. First time I had to share space with anyone. He had a California King sized bed- almost twice what I was used to!- so you would think it wouldn't make a huge difference sharing vs no sharing. But it does! I don't care how big the bed is, as soon as you share it with someone, it loses some of that mystique, some of that appeal of being "your space." Now it is "our space." Okay. I can deal with that. I may not get the bed sheets, comforters, and pillows the color I want all the time; but it is still a safe zone.

Fast forward to when we found out we were going to have our first kiddo. We both swore up and down that we would NOT have the kid in the bed. That was our space.

Welp that went to hell in a hand basket around her first birthday. She cut like 3 teeth at once, got a summer flu, was severely congested and miserable. We let her sleep in our bed "just for the night." She'll be three in about 6 weeks and has maybe slept in her own bed two--MAYBE three--times since that night. #mommyfail

Wanna know why I was so determined to have her never be in my bed? Not because I'm a cruel and heartless mom. Not because I think she should have to Cry It Out. Not even solely because of the issues that can happen when a baby shares a bed with its parents. Nope. My reason was more selfish than that: I am the lightest sleeper ever. If a sheet or blanket moves on my bed, I will wake up. And if I don't get enough sleep I can be a real charmer. Bee charmer. "Sting you for looking at me the wrong way" type of thing. You know. Pleasant, as my southern friends like to say.

So here I am, 28 weeks pregnant and having enough trouble getting comfortable at night to sleep for more than two hours at a time as it is. My toddler is not a still-sleeper. She tosses and turns, kicks and hits, punches and pulls all night long. I wake up in the middle of the night just to remove her from my back, so close it's like an abnormal growth!!

BUT, the point of this blog is to find the blessing in this. This thing that irritates the piss out of me, makes me grouchy and grumpy most days, and has put more bruises on me than 20 years of sports. Wanna know what it is? It's the trust my daughter has in me. See, even when she's dead asleep, couldn't-wake-her-if-you-shook-her asleep, she will go from whatever random position she has put herself in and find me. She knows I'm there. She snuggles up close. And sometimes, even in her deepest sleep, she will whisper "You're MY mommy. You're my best friend ever." She places her little toddler arm around my neck or across my chest, and she's content. She knows in the deepest part of her that I am one of the few people she will always be able to count on. Me and her dad. We're the consistent forces for her.

So that's it. That's my grateful. Even on days when I don't get enough sleep, when I've had the Day From Hell, my daughter shows me I'm doing it right. I won't be the nicest person to her all the time, but she will know that I do love her all the time.

And maybe this is good prep for when the next little man gets her. Can't get too comfortable at night, right? Have to be ready for multiple nightly feedings. Joy oh Joy.

"Oh Just Piss Off!"

What am I thankful for today? The ability to communicate! Because being able to tell someone who has irritated you beyond belief to just piss off is one of the best feelings in the world!!

I've had a rough day. Can you tell? It started with a toddler who wanted candy for breakfast. I said no, of course. (Only I am allowed to have junk food for breakfast. I am the mom after all.) From there it was one thing after another.

• We were thinking about buying some land and building our "first dream house." You know, the house you build that has just about everything you want in it, but isn't the actual dream house--because you wait until you retire to get that one? Yeah, that's the house we were trying to make happen. But it seemed like every step of the way, we had a road block of some sort. Some piece of vital information was missing which would have totally made our lives easier. The fiance spent hours this weekend looking for plans with what he wanted (a wrap around porch) and what I wanted (a breakfast nook) and what we wanted (4 bedrooms, lots of storage, etc). Finally found one at 10pm last night. Found out today we can't use *that* plan unless we want to shell out 5G's!! Seriously? No thanks. 
• Went to the craft store to try and find some fun paper to put in the baby shower invites. Nothing. Ended up with plain white card stock I had to finagle to make look fun and festive. (Took a few tries at home, but ultimately I am happy with the turn out.) But while I was there, I asked the person working in the "papers" aisle if she had any idea of what paper would be best. Blank stare followed by, "Ummmm, we have this paper in this aisle." REALLY?!? No Kidding!! The paper in the paper aisle?!? Go friggin figure! What I was asking is: What paper would be best for a photo on one side and a fun note with baby shower theme on the other? What types of paper to avoid? Would some make the photo too bright, too dark, bleed to much, not get enough ink?? You are the crafts store; know your crafts!!
• Dealt with a toddler who desperately needed a nap but didn't want to take one after that. Made the next stop of the day real fun. Hormones and stress kicking in at this point. Didn't have the patience to deal with person(s) who say one thing but get mad when you do that, because obviously I am just supposed to know what they really meant. Yeah, that's always a fun thing to deal with.
• Got a call. Building a house now--at this exact time--is probably a no-go. I say: "That makes sense. We have hit every road block since we breathed the words 'Let's buy and build.' So for now, let's put it on the back burner." His response, "Well let me meet with so-and-such one more time. Let's see if they can do anything." Okay. So you didn't actually want to know what I thought, you just wanted to say the words and do what you were going to do anyways. Got it. Just start the conversation with that next time. So I can zone out and get more work done. Thanks.

Wanna know how I handled all this today? I cried. Lots of tears.

I'm grateful I am physically capable of saying "Oh go piss off!!!" to someone. Doesn't mean I actually go and say it. No. I'm more of the type to say it on repeat in my head and just stew about it. Maybe write a blog post or two about it. But I can't bring myself to say it. Wish I could. But can't.

So instead, I made diner. I made the baby shower invite inserts. I will next do laundry in my room with a British chick flick on while the fiance and kiddo are downstairs. And I will de-stress because today is almost done.

HEY! Maybe that's what I'm thankful for: A done day! haha